The fifth anniversary for the due date of my angel baby took place a few weeks ago. Although my intense feelings towards my loss have eased, I know I’ll never completely get over it. My due date is branded within me so an internal ‘ping’ goes off whenever that time of year rolls around. I can’t help but often wonder about that pregnancy loss and what my life would have been like had I not suffered a miscarriage. Instead of celebrating my child’s 5th birthday, I was gearing up for my 4th uterine surgery in hopes of rectifying the roadblocks that are preventing my multiple IVF cycles from ending with success.
As I walked towards the operating room, I felt scared. It took some effort to blink away my emotional heaviness and not embarrass myself by bursting into tears as the resident nurse made small talk with me about the weather.
I feel tired and beat up and honestly, I don’t want to do this anymore. I’ve been asking myself if a baby is really worth all of this trouble. Is it worth all of the synthetic hormones coursing through my body? Is it worth the mental and emotional disarray that hits me unexpectedly at times making me feel as if I’m losing a grip on my sanity? When I visualized my future, having a baby took place in a moment of passion, not with doctors, needles, surgeries and maddeningly insensitive commentary from those who just can’t understand.
I’m so exhausted and it’s a huge struggle to keep the faith when everything in front of me seems so impossible. On the other hand, my entire life has consisted of impossibilities miraculously coming to fruition - so I hold on to my history in an effort to motivate me through each step of this journey.
Although the miscarriage I suffered was one of my most awful experiences to date, my loss sparked a chain of wonderful events that led me to where I am today. And while these days I have quite a few tough moments, in the midst of it all I am quite happy!
I’ve accepted that “These are the days that must happen to me.” (I saw that quote at an antique shop I visited last summer in Asbury Park and brought it home with me). I sincerely believe that everything that happens in life, both good and bad is supposed to happen. There is a plan in place for my life, this is my path and all events are working together for a purpose.
Romans 8:28 - ... all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.