Monday, February 4, 2019

Forty and Forever a Work in Progress

I celebrated my 40th birthday two weeks ago and it was ah-maze-ing!! I danced so much that I’m just regaining the feeling in one of my big toes. Although there were threats of a winter storm, most of the people I love were able to make it. It was just the most fantastic time and I’m still on a high from all of the music, laughter and love. It might be the best party I’ve had, with the exception of my wedding, of course! (I lost the feeling in both of my big toes for that event).

I cannot believe I’m forty! Not because I’m depressed about it at all. I’m thrilled to be here! I’m in a better place in my life than I was when I was thirty and I’m also happier than I was when I was thirty. Also, I believe my anti-aging creams have been doing a good job so I think I’ve maintained pretty well – Ha! I can’t believe I’m forty because the time in between thirty and forty happened so quickly.

Although it feels like the years went by so swiftly, I feel like I’ve lived a few lives in the past decade. So many wonderful, terrible, scary yet awesome things have taken place during those ten years. And although so many things in my life have changed, at my core I’m still the same. When I was a teenager, I always searched beneath the surface of life to find meaning and direction in the words and the people that crossed my path. I thought that by now I would have everything figured out. I don’t and I’ve come to realize and accept that I never will, and that’s ok.

I’m Still a Mental Case

My mind is like a web of constant thoughts and words all intersecting and colliding with each other, so it’s never quiet up there. I’m a thinker, an analyzer and I process and dissect every-damn-thing! I used to think that something was wrong with me for being this way, but after meeting a host of people who see beyond what’s in front of them, I realize that it’s ok to have some depth. I’ve finally accepted that I will always be this way; always looking to the Bible, books, people and psychology and taking the things from those resources that educate, uplift and help me to evolve into a better person.

Nothing Really Matters

I don’t know how many times I’ve been in a hot flash of panic about something at work, something that has gone wrong in an IVF cycle, the list can go on... The anxiety, the tears, the palpitations, the mental torment are all so unhealthy and so unnecessary. In the moment it feels like my world is ending, but when I look back on those panicked moments a week, a month or a year later it all comes down to nothing.

I’m working on keeping calm – it will be a lengthy process.

Standing Up for Me

I’m not always good at it, but I’m learning to stand up for myself. It’s amazing how far people will try to push you if you allow them. I haven’t always been good at teaching people how to treat me, but I’ve gotten a lot better at it. Knowing your worth is beneficial in all relationships and can save you a great deal of head and heartache in the end.

If I can give respect to those around me, I deserve to receive that same respect in return. It sounds simple enough, but anyone who has been involved with people knows that it doesn’t always work that way.

I’m working on demanding the respect I deserve. Even if my heart shakes and I burst into tears while I’m demanding it.

Trusting my Gut

I’ve made so many excuses and allowances for questionable behavior and walked myself into many situations that I should have steered clear of. My naivety and ‘benefit of the doubt’ mentality have gotten me into more issues than I care to admit. When something, isn’t right you have an inkling in your gut that you can’t shake.

I haven’t always followed those inklings, but I now act faster when I pick up on those red flags. I’m getting better at trusting myself.

God’s Timing is Divine

Turning forty and not being a mother is heart wrenching for me. Although I have been through a lot, God has always been faithful to me. When I look at how far I have come in the past decade, there are so many impossible situations that I have overcome. I’m not the best Christian, but God’s grace has always covered me. God has always made a way out of no way. The answers to my prayers haven’t always come when I’ve wanted them to, but the timing has always been on point.

Life’s hurdles are unpleasant, but they are also character building. My life is pretty boring so these peaks and valleys add a touch of flair and pizzazz. At least that's how I choose to look at it.

It’s Never Too Late

I’m in a constant battle with myself not to give up on my creativity. I don’t have as much time and energy as I used to and I’ve allowed life to get in the way of a lot of the projects that I want to see through. Although it has become difficult to live a balanced life and keep my creativity alive, I won’t give up and I won’t give in no matter how long it takes me to complete the projects swimming around in my head. My determination always forces me to finish what I start, it just might take me a bit longer than it used to.

I’m going to write more blogs, I’m going to finish all of my knitting projects, I’m going to finish writing that book even if it takes me a few years and I’m going to dance because it fills me with life.

My mother-in-law who is in her seventies dances and performs (#goals) and if she’s shown me anything, it’s not to limit myself because of time, age or for any other reason that my self doubt is giving me. 


Even though I don’t have it all together at forty, I’m settled where it counts. I’m imperfect, but I’m honest, transparent, and a decent human being and for that I’m very proud of the woman I’ve become.

Life is about learning, reflecting and evolving. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past decade and I’m excited to see where the next decade is going to take me.