Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Trusting Yourself More

Whether it’s real or superstition I believe in a gut instinct. My feelings aren’t always correct as I have been known to jump to imaginary conclusions on occasion, but in the past when I’ve had the strongest clearest gut feeling about something and ignored it, I’ve ended up kicking myself later for not taking heed.

Instincts are like being psychic. I’m fascinated with psychics but I don’t really believe in them. An ABC special which aired a few weeks ago only added to my unbelief. I used to like watching John Edwards, not because I believed in him, but because he would try to convince someone in his audience that they had a family member named Tony. If they still denied this after his insisting, then he would tell them to ask an older relative about Tony, because he definitely had someone named Tony coming through with a message for them. Then he would move on to an audience member who was easier to persuade. I think the psych in psychic is all about tapping into the psyche. Say that three times fast. They just ask questions and work off the answers you give them and the reactions you have to their estimations.

Earlier this year, I tried my hand at (three sessions of) therapy. I didn’t like it at all, but the one great thing the therapist told me was that I needed to trust myself more. Those three simple words, ‘Trust yourself More’, are life changing. If I’d trusted myself more, I could have avoided so much bullshit. But the B.S. has not been in vain as it has served as a learning experience.

Recently I’ve felt a nagging regarding a certain situation. Actually it’s been a few months that I’ve been going back and forth trying to justify my feelings. Or really fighting with my feelings because my gut is telling me to do one thing, but my niceness is making me do another. That’s always been the thing that’s bit me in the ass. Me worrying about how I’m making someone else feel, instead of listening to how I feel.

I was just about to express my feelings to someone when a quiet voice told me to not to utter a word. It was a quiet voice but it was so loud and clear, “Just shut up and let things play out for themselves.” Although I don’t like confrontation, I am more likely to confront someone who is close to me because I feel more comfortable and familiar with them. And I can’t be a real friend to you if I’m being phony about how I feel about something. But sometimes spilling your guts can have the opposite effect you intended. And although in this particular situation, I don’t think my words would be taken the wrong way, I’m just going to step back, let go off my reins of control and allow whatever happens to be what may.

Another area where I am allowing my gut to make decisions for me is with a very, very minor surgery I was supposed to have done today. I went to see this doctor who was highly recommended by a friend of mine, so I felt confident about him. But my confidence was shot down seconds after he breezed into the room, rattled off a few words after looking at me and walked out. Visit over.

He asked me questions and then talked over my answers. I tried to talk over him talking over me but he won the battle. It was his office after all. After scheduling my minor surgery for today at 6:30, I walked out with a very uncomfortable, heavy feeling. I spoke to the friend who recommended him and she confirmed that although he didn’t have the best bedside manner, he was a fantastic doctor. That made me feel better for all of five minutes before the discomfort returned. I mean, if someone is going to be cutting into any part of my body, good doctor or not, I need them to make me feel comfortable. So after trying to force myself to man up and move forward with this doctor, I decided to trust myself, who I’ve known for 32 years, instead of this fast talking stranger. There are other doctors who will at least sit down during the visit and take the time to hear what I have to say and actually listen to me. So instead of going forward with something I wasn’t comfortable with, I’ll be going out for Mexican!

There is a fine line between trusting yourself and running away with your imagination and through trial and error, I’ve learned the difference between a passing feeling and a definite warning. I have to say that regardless of whether I’ve listened to my gut or not, my gut has never steered me wrong.

~Louise C.
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